To Kill A Certain Jamie
by we love link
Summary: This relatively short story contains characters mostly from SSBM. We wrote this because...our "friend" Jamie Primack (Black Mage Dad) killed...one of us in "Return of the Destroyed" RROOOOARRR So this is our revenge. It's a MUST-READ!
1. Default Chapter

_Chapter 1_

Once upon a time – CLANGG! Ungh! – there was a battle going on. A fight between – 

"Ha, gotcha there, didn't I, Marth?"

"Pure luck, elf-boy. Let's see if you can stand up to this, Link!" Thus saying, the aforementioned blue-haired prince let out a sudden barrage of quick, jabbing thrusts with his sword. Link, however, was an expert and had anticipated this, effortlessly parrying every move Marth attempted, grinning superciliously as he did so. Finally, it got into Marth's thick skull that his "brilliant" maneuver wasn't exactly succeeding. He halted, panting. Link saw his opening; with a swift flick of his wrist, he disarmed Marth, sending his sword clattering uselessly onto the platform in the stage Final Destination. While the prince stared dumbfounded, Link raised his sword till its tip was almost brushing Marth's throat.

"Surrender or die, Prince," the elfin youth mocked.

"You can't kill me…just knock me out of the battlefield already," Marth growled. "I'll simply be sent to the hospital for recovery after that."

"Not so, Your Highness," Link smirked. "Sorry to pour cold water onto your plans, but you might want to take a look to your right, towards the bottom of the spectator stands."

His opponent slowly rotated his head, wondering if this was some sort of trick. He scanned the roaring crowd – mostly consisting of crazed fangirls – when he suddenly spotted Link's point. He gulped audibly, looking pleadingly at Link.

"That's right; your betting master looks quite ready to commit murder! I expect he lost quite a tidy sum on you today. Serves him right, betting on a novice! But don't worry." Link's tone grew kindly. "I'll tell them you surrendered and you can stay out here…away from him. I'll get the hospital staff to move you to a private ward with extra security where he won't get a chance to lay hands on you."

Marth's gratitude shone in his eyes as he collapsed onto the floor near his sword, body aching.

"TTFN, amateur!" Link waved before being teleported away. Marth lay down, wounds bleeding fiercely but he was past caring. He soon tumbled down into the welcome abyss of unconsciousness.

_Meanwhile…_

The SSBM administrators had hired a new member of the staff – a janitor of sorts to clean up the battlefields after the bloody brawls. No one envied having this gory, thankless job that paid next to nothing, but it was the only thing this orphan had. She trudged out onto the platform, armed with mop and sloshing pail. Spotting Marth, she ran over and tried to wake him up, fearing he was dead. Her frantic gesticulations and mumbled prayers did nothing to aid his awakening, however. Looking him over, she suddenly caught sight of his sword, virtually clean and still gleaming. Link had obviously not allowed this newbie to get anywhere near him. Its shine attracted her attention and she walked over, picking it up and waving it tentatively around in the air, admiring its flash in the light.

Just then, Marth woke up, opening his blood- and sweat-encrusted eyes. Since none of the smashers had been introduced to the new janitor yet, he assumed she was some petty thief. Gathering the last vestiges of his strength, he reached up and grabbed the sword from her. Grasping for the only comeback he could think of in his wasted state, he gasped, "No one steals from Marth!" Thus decreeing, he rammed his sword through her stomach. Pathetic last words. He then collapsed from shock, after catching a glimpse of her hideous face.

"Uff," the janitor grunted, collapsing beside the corpse. Their ruby-red blood flowed freely like beer at a party and mingled together, creating a sticky pool from the waterfall of her stomach. The only difference being waterfalls went on for infinity while people's bodies usually had a blood limit. In this depleted state, she found herself thinking somewhat fuzzily, not that this was a great difference from her 'normal' level of intellectual activity. She was thirsty. She licked her bloodied fingers for lack of anything more intelligent to do.

"Damn!" She spat out. "My blood tastes like crap!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

Drifting serenely in a void of silky blackness, she felt content. Dreaming about fat-laden, brimming in cholesterol, disgustingly greasy cupcakes…until she felt a sudden jolt to her body. And heard staticky voices, like a TV with bad reception.

"Think she's alive?"

"Who knows? Kick her again 'n see."

Another jarring blow. She snapped out of her reverie of cakes saturated in lard, inundated with sugar, and drowned in globs of butter. Damn, why did this always have to happen to _her_? She supposed she'd better get up; acting as someone's sack of potatoes wasn't exactly her idea of fun. She kicked out and headed vaguely towards an upwards direction in this vast spread of darkness.

"Nope, looks like this pile of crap's really gone. Bugger."

"Wanna try the other one?"

"Nah, this one's better."

Well, it was a surprise to know she was actually a priority over someone else, for once. And a smasher, at that!

"This one's got more fat on her. She'll last us longer."

Ok, well, any reason was better than nothing, right?

Finally mustering up enough energy to crack open her snot-coated eyes, she noticed two figures looming over her.

"Ah. Awake, I see," one snickered.

Her eyes focused sufficiently to gather some observations. One was shorter, with long black hair while the other was taller with long ebony hair streaked with red. Both females.

The shorter, with evil flames dancing malignantly in her dark brown eyes, said, "She'll do. C'mon, let's get out of here now. Time to start the fun!" The other nodded gleefully.

"Wait," the almost corpse croaked. "Wh-who're you and what do you want with me?"

The pair exchanged amused glances. "I'm _dreadfully_ sorry; please pardon us for forgetting our manners like that!" The taller one apologized in a honeyed tone. "This is Triss and I am Cho. And you are…?"

"I think Lard-bucket is quite fitting," Triss mumbled, not quite under her breath.

"Uh, Jamie Primack," she whispered.

"Right then, Scum Pond, let's get you to somewhere saf – no, that would be lying. Somewhere _indoors."_

"It's _Jamie."_

"Right, right, we heard ya, Scum." Cho said placatingly, in the tone one would use to speak to a spoiled brat.

"Shouldn't we call her Woodlawn Pond?" Triss interrupted abruptly.

"Hmm. It does seem quite suitable, now you mention it, but…"

As the two began to engage in a heated debate, Scum, being the great intellect she was, wondered if she was in heaven. Maybe she had bled to death. Looking at her stomach, she saw that all the blood had clotted up, forming a nice mammoth lump of crimson as hard as dried acrylic paint. It kinda resembled a ripe strawberry…with the sword hilt sticking out as a kind of vine; there were even particles stuck within the mass for seeds. She wondered how it would taste. She never got the chance to find out though, as the girls turned back towards her.

"Right, well, whatever. I suppose we'll stick with Scum, it rolls right off the tongue."

"Yes, so hurry up! I can't wait to start already, our last…visitor didn't last long. What a spoilsport."

"Think we should pull this thing outta her?"

"Nah, leave it in. A little souvenir. For fond recollection, that sorta thing."

"Right. Well, let's go. I know a place where we can hole up for a while, since our, uh, own quarters are being cleaned up from last time."

Someone snapped her fingers, and the next thing Scum knew was a blast of cool but musty air was attacking her and a gruesome, horrific, painted face leaned over her and leered in an unpleasant manner.

She shrieked.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

"Now, now, don't you know it's rude to scream at your gracious host?" The ghastly face sneered.

"Dbj – rpk – mmf…" Scum stuttered incoherently.

"Bah. So, another useless stray for the week, huh? You do seem to exhaust your supply so rapidly…" The newcomer straightened up, towering over all of them.

"Yes, well, you know how it is. So fragile." Cho shook her head disapprovingly.

"Look, Ganondorf, thanks for your cordial welcome but let's get down to business. We need to use your…cellar rooms for a few days. You know what happened to our basement," Triss stated flatly.

"No small talk, then? Yes, I see you still hate me. That's fine with me. You have my permission to use them as long as it takes. Anything for a fellow darksider. This place hasn't echoed with piercing screeches for eons. I'll be looking forward to that now that you're here. Just try to keep the place as clean as you can. I ran out of Windex the other day." He sighed dramatically.

Triss and Cho nodded and began dragging Scum down a nearby staircase by her ankles. Triss grinned mirthlessly. What fun she would have…this one looked like she could last for more than a week! But they had special plans for her and she supposed she'd better stick to them.

Finally arriving at the dungeons, Scum had been by now bumped to full consciousness and could see their destination. _A torture chamber! A modern one too, judging by the looks of the glinting metal devices placed strategically around the room to maximize space._

Watching Scum's eyes swiveling madly around, Triss smirked. "Don't worry; you'll have plenty of time to…get acquainted with all these wonderful gadgets. Just so you know, Ganondorf orders them fresh off every new catalog, so they're pretty contemporary." She caressed a metallic machine thing lovingly.

Cho added, "Hey, at least you won't have to worry about tetanus, huh?"

Scum smiled dizzily like a drunk. Right before her brain decidedly shut down. But before she could sink into blessed oblivion, she heard:

"Feh. Well, at least I'll get to try out that new contraption over here before she becomes even more useless…"

She couldn't wait for tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

She woke up strapped to some cool metal table. Triss and Cho stood in front of her, grinning. Somehow, the sight was not very comforting. The former held up a shiny metallic object. An_ egg slicer_? Ha! _Everyone_ knew you couldn't do anything dangerous with a mere egg slicer!

Ganondorf, on the other hand, woke up to hoarse but almost inhumane cries. Somewhere between an elephant getting its trunk stuffed up with live mice and a cat getting scalding toffee stuffed down its ears. Ah. Those two girls had started then. They were always quite inventive, notorious throughout the darksider world as people _not to mess with. Music to his ears. He began humming Fur Elise in tune to the low shouts._

Back down below, Triss halted, smiling. She stepped back, satisfied, to survey her handiwork.

"Nice new shirt color. It matches your body."

"But don't worry. Overnight it'll turn brown. Trust me, I speak from experience." Cho winked.

"Let's try something else now…bring on the ginger beer!"

"Ooh. You're _bad, Triss."_

And so it went on the whole day. Ganondorf soon exhausted his knowledge of Beethoven, and moved on to more local and popular songs. Like Gerudo Valley or Zelda's Lullaby.

By sunset, the symphony stopped. Triss and Cho trudged up the stairs, looking pleased but rather grubby.

"Ah, my dear friends. Do please feel free to use the baths around here after such a hard day's work. You do look rather sticky." He smiled happily.

"Shut up. You better be happy. It was all I could do not to use the…ahem…keys. I was being considerate of your wishes, being your guest. Now my bloody ears are ringing."

"You always say things so…literally. Most people only say so to swear, you know."

"Hey, I'm honest. Got a problem with that?"

"No, no, not at all," he supplied hastily. "This way, ladies."

"Oh, and by the way, you'd better go get more Windex, and soon. We tried, but you know how it is…"

The next day, the pair woke up early. They had to get started, the big day was in 3 days! They hurried down to the dungeons…

There was a visitor. A male. Tall, silver-haired, and grinning.

"Ah, Kuja. Nice of you to drop by. Come to admire our work?"

"Yes. I had heard you had obtained a new…project. If I may be so bold, could I make a suggestion?"

"Anything."

"Place this sword somewhere else, it doesn't look good there. How about across the shoulders? It might pin her arms to her sides, at any rate. If not, well, simply more life substance lost."

"Interesting." Cho mused. "Of course, you shall have the honor of doing so."

"With pleasure."

Through unfocused eyes, Scum saw him smiling nastily. The next thing she knew, searing pain.

"Ah, she's fainted again. Mortals are _so_ weak."

"Yes. I must go now. Important business. You know. See you in a few days." He winked.

"Yes. Till then."


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

Ganondorf snuck down to the dungeons. Catching a glimpse of Scum, he raised an eyebrow in surprise. The girls had far surpassed his expectations. He was sure that…mangled body was dead. After all, living people were expected to have some blood in them. He glanced around and sighed. He would have a lot of cleaning up to do after this. Almost all of the devices had been utilized, by the looks of it.

Just then, the 'corpse' stirred. _Whoa, he thought in surprise. __They're good! Torturing her to within an inch of her death, huh? I'd better leave before they find me here…_

"Good morning, Ganondorf," came the wry greeting.

"Er, heh, just uh, poking around…" he trailed off lamely.

"Forget it. We're expecting a special visitor, anyway." Cho said. "You may stay, if you wish."

He bowed slightly and retreated to a dark corner that was, surprisingly, uncluttered.

Just then, with a flash of light, a man appeared. Long, flowing white hair framed an elegant face painted with stripes and a crescent moon.

"Greetings, Sesshomaru." The stranger nodded affably.

"May I request a private audience with your new plaything? I am certain it will be of assistance towards your goal."

"Of course. We shall leave now." The two girls retreated, having forgotten about Ganondorf. A mistake. For the next few hours, he was treated to a magnificent view of a human's internal organs. Hardly a sound was emitted, however. _She must have used the keys after all_, he thought. Finally, when he thought his eyes were going to pop out of his skull, the man halted. As if by magic, Triss and Cho materialized out of nowhere into the room.

"Your friend in the corner seems rather distraught. However, I am sure it was a very educational anatomy lesson. Farewell, until we meet in a few days." After calmly delivering his speech, he disappeared.

The pair sighed in unison.

"Ganondorf…" they began menacingly.

He squeaked in fear and scurried out the door before they even twitch an eyebrow. He needed a paper bag, and quickly.


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

The day had finally arrived. It was the annual SSBM tournament where the smashers battled each other for the glorious title of champion. Well, usually it was only the smashers. But _this_ year. Well, this year was special. The two girls had made…arrangements. Unchaining the unconscious Scum from the wall, Cho snapped her fingers.

They arrived on the scene of the battles. This time, it was to be on an expansive, lush meadow. Spotting Link, the two waved joyfully with one hand. The other was occupied, having to hold one of Scum's ankles.

"Good luck, Link! You're sure to win!" They yelled enthusiastically. Dragging their burden off to an airy white tent, they entered and dumped the body in.

"We'd better go check up to see our arrangements have been completed." They exited the tent, to hear the sounds of someone bawling shamelessly. Cho grinned.

"I expect they have!" Hurrying towards the source of the sound, they caught sight of a hysterical Roy hovering over a motionless body. Marth's, to be exact.

"Marth! Speak to me, Marth!"

Triss rolled her eyes. Stepping forward, she poked him – hard – on his skull. "Well, since your friend's screwed, we'll just have to find a replacement. And thankfully, we have one right in our tent! So, see ya at the battle!"

They dashed off, leaving a very bemused Roy in midsob. The first battle was scheduled to be Jigglypuff vs. Marth. Cho rubbed her hands, grinning evilly all the while. They had already met Sesshomaru and Kuja waiting at the stands. It was going to be a great day.

They lugged Scum to the edge of the battlefield; the battle was about to begin. The crowd grew tense and silent, would this replacement win?

5 minutes passed. Jigglypuff had not shown up yet.

10 minutes…

15…

Finally, someone gave a shout! "It's Jigglypuff!"

The crowd, as one body, turned their heads to catch a glimpse of the puffball heading their way.

"Whoa, looks like he's been at the pot again!" Triss snickered.

It was true. The obese pink thing staggered from side to side, shrilling away in its voice and leaving a trail of slumbering people behind.

Cho tittered. "It wasn't just the pot, it was the weed and crack too! This should be a pretty even match, then."

Shoving Scum into the battlefield, the announcer began the countdown.

"3…2…1…FIGHT!"

The crowd began roaring in a deafening tone. Triss and Cho watched from the sidelines impassively. Then they heard a somewhat masculine voice nearby yelling, "GO MIAKA GO!"

They turned, mildly astonished. Of all people, _Nuriko_ was standing there, jumping up and down ecstatically.

"Uh, how d'you know that's Miaka out there?"

"Oh, I saw the figure from a distance and figured it had to be her. I mean, no one else's that fat, right?" He smiled.

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble…but that's not her."

"Oh." He stared blankly into space for a while, then his face suddenly lit up. "Excuse me for a while, please."

They watched him go over to a man and talk earnestly for a bit. Eventually, they heard a metallic jangling and saw him stroll back towards them.

"Aren't you leaving?"

"No, not yet." That was all he said. He couldn't _really_ want to watch Scum fight?

Triss and Cho turned to one another, shrugged and turned back to watch the 'fight.' It was pathetic, really.

Jigglypuff was still wobbling around randomly aiming kicks at the air and asking philosophical questions.

"Why the heck is the freakin' grass vermillion?"

Meanwhile, Scum had regained a semblance of conscious and was lurching towards Jigglypuff, thinking it was a snack. Just as she was about to collapse onto it, Jigglypuff reeled out of the way, hiccupping madly, leaving Scum to crumple onto the grass. By sheer luck, the puffball managed to coordinate itself sufficiently to wave its hand vaguely in the direction of Scum's body. It barely brushed her side, but Scum was sent flying into the air and out of the battlefield!

"PLAYER 1 DEFEATED!" The announcer proclaimed. "THIS GAME'S WINNER IS JIGGLYPUFF!"

Its eyes glazing over, the 'winner' flopped down on the grass. "Pret-ty nee-dles!" It squealed, waving its hand about.

"Since Jigglypuff's so wasted….let's go collect the prize money." Cho suggested.

As they were leaving the tournament, they caught sight of Nuriko whistling. And jingling. As if he felt their stare, he turned and waved. "Just a little profit I could use to treat the rest, including Miaka, to more sake!"

"Ah," Cho nodded sagely. "You stayed to bet. And since most people had already bet on Marth, they couldn't withdraw. Smart. You know, we could use someone like you…"

"By the way, has anyone seen Roy?"

"Last _I heard, he was yelling for a screwdriver and telling Marth to hold on and that he'd get those screws out of him and he'd get those bastards who'd put them in…"_

Their voices faded as they walked off…

Meanwhile, in another dimension, a flying object landed with a _splat_.

"What is the meaning of this atrocity, Butler?" Artemis Fowl the Second asked coldly.


End file.
